I am struggling

I don’t even know where to start anymore. I’m super tired. Not the kind of tired where a good night’s sleep fixes it. I mean the kind of tired where your head feels full all the time. Where you wake up already thinking about school, appointments, forms, phone calls, emails, behaviour, food, sleep, meltdowns, money, and whether you are doing enough. I love my child more than anything in this world, my family know this, others don't think so. That’s the bit people don’t always understand. When I say I’m struggling, I’m not saying my child is a burden. I’m not saying I don’t love them. I’m saying I feel completely lost trying to get them the help they need. Nobody gives you a map for this, people try and help or think they help but they don't. I've paid for help and still go nowhere. One minute you’re just a mum trying to get through the day, and the next you’re supposed to understand words like SENCO, EHCP, IEP, CAMHS, referrals, assessments, reasonable adjustments and local authority. And everyone seems to speak in a foreign language, its really confusing! I’ve sat there nodding in meetings, pretending I understand, then gone home and cried because I didn’t have a clue what any of it really meant, I don't feel I have the courage to ask as I think I will look stupid, or like a bad mum. I’ve googled things at late at night. I’ve joined groups and felt even more confused, and others seem the same in the groups too! I’ve read advice that says “just ask for support”, as if it’s that easy. I’ve filled in forms that ask me to write down the hardest parts of our life and can't think what to write as it's all quite hard. And the worst part is having to prove everything to everyone, when people do not always see what I go through. Prove your child is struggling. Prove it’s not bad parenting. Prove it’s not just behaviour. Prove they need help. Prove you’ve tried everything. Prove you are not making it up. Some days my child holds it together in school and then falls apart at home. Then I feel like nobody believes me because they don’t see what I see. They don’t see the tears over the smallest of things. They don’t see the panic before school at home when getting ready for the day ahead. They don’t see the same question asked fifty times because anxiety has taken over and I don't have a clue what to do. They don’t see the food refused, the sleep missed, the screaming, the hiding, the shame afterwards through multiple apologies then the crying and saying, sorry mummy I don't know why I am doing it. Its heart breaking. They don’t see me sitting on the bathroom floor trying not to cry because I don’t know what else to do. And still, you carry on as all good mums do. You send another email, usually a little more angry than the previous. You chase another appointment that you feel will never come. You ask another question, because questions are all you have. You smile at the school gate when you feel like breaking, having to hold it in, in front of other parents. You try to be calm when inside you are screaming! I wish someone had told me at the start that needing help does not mean you’ve failed, because trust me you do feel like a failure. I wish someone had explained things in normal language. I wish there was one place where I could go and think, “Right, this is what that means. This is what I can do next. I’m not alone.” Because that is the loneliest part of all this, feeling alone. Feeling like everyone else knows how to navigate the system and you’re the only one drowning in it. But I know now I’m not the only one. It's just hard to keep telling myself that and understanding it. We are all fighting for children who deserve to be understood, supported and accepted. And if you are at the start of this journey, crying into your phone, searching for answers, wondering what all these words mean and whether you are doing enough… Please hear this. You are not alone. You do not need to know everything today. You just need the next step. And sometimes one clear step forward is enough.