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PDA — Pathological Demand Avoidance
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Parents & carers

PDA-friendly parenting strategies

Lower demands. Use indirect language. Build trust. Choose your battles. It works — it just takes time.

6 min read

The Society sums it up as PANDA: Pick your battles, Anxiety management, Negotiation, Disguise demands, Adapt.

Lower the demand load

  • Cut everything non-essential
  • Reduce decisions
  • Drop transitions where possible
  • Slow the pace of life

Indirect language

  • "I wonder if anyone could…"
  • "Let''s see if we can…"
  • "Shall we try…"
  • "I''m not sure how to…" (invites help)
  • AVOID: "You need to…", "Now we''re going to…", "Time to…", "Quickly!"

Choices, not commands

  • "Coat in your hand or on?"
  • "Walk or skip to the car?"
  • "Brush teeth before or after pyjamas?"

Disguise the demand

  • Use role play ("Doctor, can you check this patient?")
  • Use novelty ("I bet you can''t…")
  • Use stories
  • Let them lead

Recovery is non-negotiable

After a school day or social event, expect:

  • Higher refusal
  • Bigger meltdowns
  • Total decompression need (screens, snacks, solitude — whatever helps)

Reduce shame

  • Repair after every difficult moment
  • Don''t lecture or post-mortem
  • The relationship is the foundation

Source: Society — PANDA approach.

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